Mambabyte

My blog is officially one year old! I can’t believe a whole year has already gone by!! I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting next to Dooce in a Brooklyn bar, visualizing what my first post was going to say. Except that it wasn’t yesterday it was a whole year ago and I feel like that person sitting in that bar is a million miles away. I feel like I’ve learned so much in the last year, much of which I can attribute to writing somewhat regularly on this blog. I know I haven’t kept up with it as much as I should have or probably could have, but it’s been cathartic and therapeutic to have this outlet to turn to when the mood strikes. I’m incredibly proud of myself for having stuck with it for this long, and the simple fact that I’ve made it through one whole year just provides enormous motivation to keep on trucking. I’m excited for what the next year of Mambabyte will bring, and I hope that those of you that have come this far with me will continue on this crazy ride. I promise not to disappoint.

With that corny shit out of the way, can you believe what a year this has been? It was the year of Obama, we said goodbye to the great George Carlin, I actually participated in NaBloPoMo, and I got laid off! What I haven’t told you about yet is how I had to cram for one of the hardest tests I’ve ever taken in only three weeks (and I still don’t know whether or not I’ve passed), I was accepted into the Masters program for my dream job, I moved into a beautiful new apartment with two of my closest girlfriends, I’ve reconnected with some of my old friends that I’ve missed terribly and didn’t think I would ever see again, and have started to learn that when you begin to surround yourself with positive people, things, and ideas, positive things start to come your way much more easily than you ever could have imagined. I’m feeling more myself than I have in a really long time, and I know that it is only the beginning of what’s to come for me.

I’ve been celebrating this first blogoversary by browsing through the past year’s archives. I was interested in getting an update on all of the artist’s I’ve featured in my Music Bytes:

• The Morning Benders: “Talking Through Tin Cans” has been released for a little over a year now, and the band is still touring like crazy and even made an appearance at this year’s SXSW.
• Coldplay: Duh.
• Katy Perry: Well now she’s lasted a lot longer than I originally gave her credit for, and while her songs are getting really annoying and I think she sucks live, I’m pleasantly surprised she’s considered “headliner” material.
• Adele: Go girl! Adele’s since won two Grammy Awards, for Best New Artist and Best Female Pop Vocal Performance. Love her!
• Gaslight Anthem: They just seem to be snowballing into bigger and better things, opening for both Bruce Springsteen AND Dave Matthews this year. Holy!
• Sikamor Rooney: They’re still doing their thing and could use some more exposure, so go check them out again and give them a chance!
• Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head: I can’t get enough of these guys, HA! They were featured on Perez Hilton and they’ll be the supporting act for Lily Allen’s North American tour this year. So much fun!
• Rachael Yamagata: Those who love her, love her dearly.
• Leslie Hall: Since this wasn’t technically a music byte, I don’t technically have an update, but it’s still hilarious so go take a look and enjoy a chuckle on me.
• Kings of Leon: Ahhhh, by far my favorite music byte and favorite band of the whole year. They’re just huge. I almost had a heart attack when they arrived on the cover of a recent Rolling Stone issue. I can’t say enough.
• Zee Avi: Her album still won’t be released for another four days, but if you were lucky enough to check her out at SXSW, I’m sure you’ll agree it won’t be long before we hear much more about her.

Make sure to send me any ideas for Music Bytes you might have! I sure as hell can’t keep up with everything, what do you think I look like?

In pure Mamba style, I’ve decided to end this Happy One Year Post by listing my top eight posts of the year. Because I love the number 8. So I picked 8 posts. Out of 71. I don’t think 71 is a lot at all, so I made sure to write that here so next year I can make sure the number is much higher. Anyway, enjoy.

• My Most Romantic Moment
• A Moment in Time: The Best Worst Date
• Why Brett Favre Will Never See My Tits
• The Shoes Don’t Help
• Commuters Are Fucking Crazy
• Justin Should Be A Regular on SNL
• Saturn Has Returned With a Can of Whoop Ass
• Advice: Don’t Try This At Home

Now I’m going to drink right out of the bottle pour myself a glass of wine and congratulate myself on one year of blogging. Thanks to all you fuckers who’ve stuck with me. Air cheers!

Dear Mamba,

I know you like to think the best of people. I know you like to give people the benefit of the doubt that when they say they are going to do something, they will actually do it. Sometimes I think it’s sweet that you have such a naive view of people and never want to think they will do you wrong, even if they may have done you wrong in the past. Many times. When they apologize and say they won’t do it again and that they’ll show you they really aren’t the bad person you think they are, I know it tears at your heart strings. And so you forgive them, once again, and you believe them, once again, all the while knowing in your gut that there is an enormous possibility that you will, once again, be disappointed in them and their actions. I also know that the one thing you hate the most in life is to be disappointed. So I ask you, why is it that you continually put yourself in the position of being disappointed? Why is it that you continue to believe the lies promises as if they will somehow magically mean something now even though they have not meant anything in the past? Do you think the truth fairy waved a wand and sprinkled some dust and made it all better? You know that’s not how it works.

Normally I stand by and watch you as you do this to yourself over and over again, hoping that one of these times you will learn your lesson. I can’t stay quiet anymore, though, because you just don’t seem to be getting it. So I’m begging you. Tomorrow when you do what you need to do, please go in there expecting to be disappointed. Just go there hoping for the worst. Be one with the disenchantment. Expect the expected and not the unexpected. Don’t let what you find bother you. Just keep your head held high, get in there, do your thing, and get out. Keep your eyes open; do not let your attention get diverted away from the task at hand. Do not let any of this plague you anymore. Do not let him upset you any longer because you know that the only thing he’s offered you is a charade, and charades are not real. Don’t let yourself feel sad anymore. Move on, and move on strong. Don’t look back. Don’t cry. I promise that there is a world free from disappointment waiting for you on the other side of this mountain; you just need to get over the summit.  I’ll be there with you the whole way, just like always.

Love, Mamba

“Disappointments are to the soul what the thunder-storm is to the air.” ~Friedrich von Schiller

I have soooo many things to write about! I have, like, a million hundred posts swirling in my head. My notebooks are filling up faster these days with little phrases or keywords that I jot down with the hopes that I’ll remember what they mean when I finally get around to reviewing them and composing some sort of banter to post on this blog. Why is it, then, that this blog sits here untouched, neglected, unloved?

Since I got laid off, I’ve written four posts. FOUR!!! What the hell have I been doing with my time? Sure, I could blame it on excessive partying, which is partly true, but it’s not like hangovers can literally stop you from laying in bed and typing up a post about whatever you did the night before that gave you such a fucking hangover in the first place…isn’t that what you want to read about anyway? Aren’t the stories what you stop by here barely, if ever every once in a while for? It’s not like I don’t have the time to write.

Now, after contemplating my next steps, I’ve decided to go back to school and pursue my Masters degree. I’ve found the perfect program for what I want to do (teach), however, one of the admission requirements is a passing grade on the state certification test. There is only one more test given before the application deadline, which is in three weeks. From the day I found out I needed to take and pass this test, I have three weeks. Three weeks to try and cram all those high school and undergraduate English courses back into my brain. My brain hasn’t studied more than the TV Guide for years! (Not really true.) And it’s not like English is such a cut and dry subject, it’s basically endless. I’ve been in flash card HELL eight hours a day for the past week. I have two weeks until the test. From today. And I’m terrified! If I don’t pass, I don’t get accepted, and THEN WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!?

I feel kind of like I’m a senior in high school again, stressing over whether or not my choice school will accept me because if they don’t, like, O.M.G., like, what the heck am I gonna do then? Like, my life will be like, totally over, and like, Jonny will never want to marry me and then he’ll all, like Lauren and marry her instead, and then like omgican’teventhinkaboutit. I, like, TOTALLY HAVE TO GET IN!!!

Okay, well, maybe not exactly like that. But it’s still stressful. I’ll likely pull more than one all-nighter between now and the day of the test, and they won’t be the kind of all-nighter I’d prefer if you know what I mean…

I hope to be able to break long enough to post more since the fact that I’ve published FOUR posts in the last two months just annoys me, but I can’t promise anything really until after this test. So please bear with me and wish me luck. I’m seriously going to need it. And instead of wishing me luck if you feel like, oh sending beer money instead, that’d be cool too. I’ll need a lot of those too once this test is over.

I’ve been hearing that question more and more frequently these days. People say, “Well, isn’t it the same as updating your Facebook status?” And I kindly reply, “Well, no, not really.” Then they ask me to explain it further and every time it just seems to get harder and harder to vocalize exactly what Twitter is and exactly WHY it is so addicting. Everyone’s in on it! My mom even signed up for Twitter but she doesn’t know what the hell for, she just heard it was the “new thing.” Hell, relationships are ending because of Twitter addictions!!!

So when I found the following animation on YouTube, I thought I’d post it here so that anyone wondering what the fuss is all about can check it out. For those of you already on the Twitter bandwagon, I hope you find this as funny as I did.

I’m always intrigued by Rolling Stone’s “Artists to Watch,” so when I saw Zee in the latest issue (yes, the issue that looks like this):

Gossip Girl

I had to take a look. The cutie emerged from YouTube fame, and hails from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Rolling Stone calls her music “brunch friendly acoustic swing” which is pretty spot on if you listen to it and imagine yourself sitting outside on a sunny Sunday afternoon drinking bloody marys and having eggs florentine. I’m becoming somewhat addicted to her voice. Usually this is where I start to tell you cute little quirky things about the artist I’m writing about, but she was smart enough to do that herself so I figured there’s really no better way I could introduce her to you. Here she is:

Isn’t she super cute? Her self-titled debut album is being released on Brushfire Records, but unfortunately not until May 19th. HOWEVER, you can get more acquainted with her by checking out her YouTube channel here. OR you can listen become her friend and listen to the first single titled “Bitter Heart” here. If you like it enough you can even by it on iTunes here. Already a fan? Check her out on FaceBook here. Her official website is here.

I know you got a little taste of her sound in the above clip, but the following is one of the songs that originally got me sucked in. It’s taken of a live performance, but her voice still sounds great and the song is just well, fitting. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: Some of you may not want to read the following if you don’t want to know details about my “private lady parts” i.e. anyone who knows me in real life that won’t be able to look at me the same after reading about them.  Enter at your own risk because you have been warned.

Seriously.  There are just some things you should shell the money out for and have a professional take care of.  I had excellent professionals to take care of this for me when I was living in Brooklyn, but now that I’m back in NJ (and unemployed) I just haven’t been able to find a decent place to go around here that doesn’t cost me an entire unemployment check.

What am I talking about?  The dreaded Brazilian Bikini Wax.

A friend of mine once told me that she took care of this grooming on her own, in the privacy of her living room.  At first I didn’t believe her only because I couldn’t believe someone could inflict that kind of pain on themselves.  She showed me the product she used and almost convinced me it was “not that bad.”  Still, once I walked away from her I was all “Pfft, as IF I could be that masochistic!  That’s crazy! I’ll stick with Magda (my usual yanker).”

Well, as I was saying before, a location change and financial crisis has caused me to sacrifice many things, this luxury being one of the first to go.  I can deal with this growing issue (HA! Get it?) for only so long before it literally starts driving me crazy. And it was.  When I would talk to my girlfriends about it, mostly hoping they would recommend a good salon nearby, they would always say, “Just shave!”  Well, it’s not the same, okay?  It’s just not.  At least not in my opinion.  So I let it go.  And go, and go, and well let’s just say it had gotten to the point where I would have fit right into any 1974 porno flick.  UGH.  Something had to be done.  I remembered the conversation about the DIY Brazilian and figured, “Shit, what’s the worst that could happen?”

So I buy the stuff and get home and take a Xanax and drink two huge glasses of wine and decide it’s time to go for it.  I read the instructions, heat up the wax, apply, bite down on a towel, and RIPPP!!!

Hey, that wasn’t so bad!  Ok, again.  And again.  And after 4 or 5 times of this I’m thinking, SWEET! I’m in the clear, this is CAKE!  Oh boy how wrong I was about to be!

This shit gets fucking tricky!  Once you’re past the point of no return, meaning one side is done and the other side hasn’t been touched, this wax decides it’s time to become all stringy and cold and it’s going to make you heat it up every 5 seconds and by the time you heat it up and get back to the bathroom to continue it needs to be heated up again.  And then you start trying to contort your body in all kinds of ways you didn’t think you could even contort just to try to see what’s going on down there but you still can’t see and so you try to just go for it blind and well LET’S JUST SAY THAT TRYING TO BLINDLY APPLY HOT WAX TO YOUR NETHER REGIONS IS NOT NECESSARILY THE BEST IDEA.

Two hours later, I’m sweating, the Xanax I took is wearing off, and the endorphin rush I’m getting from doing this myself is so intense I feel like I could run a fucking marathon.  Not to mention my neck and my back have been hunched over for the past two hours and I need to just chill the fuck out. I’m about 80% done, and of course the remaining 20% is literally the most painful parts to wax. (Ladies you know what I’m talking about.)  It’s time for me to take a breather and get some sleep.  I’ll finish in the morning. Hopefully.

The day after I wrote the last post I got laid off.  I have joined the ranks of the (many) unemployed. I know it’s fucked up to say at a time like this when people are scared shitless to lose their jobs, but I am glad I got the boot. I was extremely unhappy in my job, I just moved home and added a two hour commute each way to my day, I needed a change and I guess the universe decided to give me one. Based on that last post I have some serious soul searching to do, and holy shit do I now have more than enough time to do it.

So why have I not posted anything in the last oh, almost 30 days?  Simple. Vacationing.  You know what I’m talkin’ bout people, YEAH!!   Par-TAY!!!

Now it’s time to get serious.  I’ve been given an opportunity to reinvent myself and do whatever it is my heart desires with this beautiful life.  I just have to figure out what the hell that is!  Is it bad that I don’t know?  Does anyone really ever know? And if they do, how did they figure it out?  I don’t really have the luxury of trying a bunch of different careers to see what fits.  How do you realize your passion?  And once you do, how do you turn your passion into something that makes you cash? These are the big questions everyone asks themselves I guess.

My point is, I need to take this time to find something I like to do and can make my career.  I am certainly not going to get myself back into a job where I wake up every weekday and drink coffee out of this:

Because that’s how I felt sitting in my old cubicle.  No thanks!

Anyhoo, just want to update you as to what’s been going on.  We’ll be back to regularly scheduled broadcasting in no time.

Cheers!

Some people say that life will only hand you what you are capable of dealing with at any given moment in time.  While this may be comforting to some people, I think it’s a crock of shit.  I’ve got so much going on in my life right now and it is so overwhelming and sad and scary and well I don’t know which way is up anymore and have no idea where to even begin to sift through all the bullshit to try to see the light.  I certainly don’t feel fucking capable of dealing with any of it. I’m wondering if maybe you don’t realize that you are capable until you prove to yourself that you are?  Like do you feel capable after everything has been dealt with and you look back on it and say to yourself something like “That wasn’t so bad” or “I should have known I could handle that”? I just wish I had a crystal ball or something that would make me feel more confident that everything really will be alright or that it will all work out in the end.  I always like to say to myself that everything happens for a reason and things always work out the way they are supposed to, but right now I’m having a tough time listening to myself and heeding my own advice.  

I feel very much at the bottom of the circle right now.  I look at life like one big circle, in constant motion - sometimes you are at the top, sometimes at the bottom, and everywhere in between.  No matter what your position will change at some point, as things are always evolving and moving, but it’s hard to feel stuck down there at the bottom of the circle with not enough momentum to pull yourself up towards the top again.  I know that it’s all temporary and that whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether I stress about it or not.  I just wish I could shake this anxious feeling.  I’m not good with waiting, or not knowing, or life out of balance.  I don’t know what’s coming next for me and I guess instead of dwelling on what I don’t know or what is out of my control I should just stay positive and excited about the future.

PS - Sorry for the bummer of a post, but please bare with me while I sift through all of this nonsense in my head.  It makes me feel somewhat better after spewing it onto the internets for all 1.5 of you to read.