Some people say that life will only hand you what you are capable of dealing with at any given moment in time. While this may be comforting to some people, I think it’s a crock of shit. I’ve got so much going on in my life right now and it is so overwhelming and sad and scary and well I don’t know which way is up anymore and have no idea where to even begin to sift through all the bullshit to try to see the light. I certainly don’t feel fucking capable of dealing with any of it. I’m wondering if maybe you don’t realize that you are capable until you prove to yourself that you are? Like do you feel capable after everything has been dealt with and you look back on it and say to yourself something like “That wasn’t so bad” or “I should have known I could handle that”? I just wish I had a crystal ball or something that would make me feel more confident that everything really will be alright or that it will all work out in the end. I always like to say to myself that everything happens for a reason and things always work out the way they are supposed to, but right now I’m having a tough time listening to myself and heeding my own advice.
I feel very much at the bottom of the circle right now. I look at life like one big circle, in constant motion – sometimes you are at the top, sometimes at the bottom, and everywhere in between. No matter what your position will change at some point, as things are always evolving and moving, but it’s hard to feel stuck down there at the bottom of the circle with not enough momentum to pull yourself up towards the top again. I know that it’s all temporary and that whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether I stress about it or not. I just wish I could shake this anxious feeling. I’m not good with waiting, or not knowing, or life out of balance. I don’t know what’s coming next for me and I guess instead of dwelling on what I don’t know or what is out of my control I should just stay positive and excited about the future.
PS – Sorry for the bummer of a post, but please bare with me while I sift through all of this nonsense in my head. It makes me feel somewhat better after spewing it onto the internets for all 1.5 of you to read.
