Archive for the 'Lessons' Category

All Growns Up

A few weeks ago, I called my mom because I was sick. I knew that she wouldn’t be able to do anything for me, but I called her anyway. It was early in the morning and I was getting ready to go to the doctor, but I stopped to call her and complain about being sick. For some reason I thought it would make me feel better, like through the phone lines Mom would wrap a warm blanket around me, turn on Fraggle Rock, and hand me a bowl of homemade chicken soup. A major stretch, I know, and physically impossible, but I did it anyway. So shoot me.

I called her again when I left the doctor, told her what he had said, that yes I had strep throat but no they didn’t actually test for it, yes he gave me a prescription which yes I am currently standing in the pharmacy waiting to get filled. Yes I got lozenges and yes I plan on laying on the couch all day drinking lots of fluids, getting lots of rest, and gargling warm salt water frequently. Yes Mom, yes. Yes you have taught me well how to nurse an illness and you’re right, this is not the first time I’ve been sick. Phew.

About an hour later my phone rang, and it was my mother calling me this time. I answered the phone reluctantly, since I was tired and medicinally inebriated and wasn’t up for another round of “Make Sure You (blank).”

Me: “H-Hello?”
Mom: “Hi, I don’t want to bother you. I just wanted to tell you that you have really matured in the past year or so. Really. You know what you need to do and you just do it. I just wanted to tell you that I noticed that.”
Me: “Uh, um….thanks?”
Mom: “No problem. Feel better I will check on you later.”

It’s not the fact that my mother gave me what can actually be called a compliment, something that does not happen often and when it does it’s always laden with sarcasm and pessimism. It’s the fact that I wasn’t sure whether or not I agreed with her. I mean, did I not call her just three hours earlier whining like a 4-year-old that my throat hurt and I had the chills?

I used to be like a lot of people I know, and probably you know too. The “Gonna Do’s” as I like to call them. You’ve heard them:

“I’m gonna go back and get my degree.”
“I’m gonna change my career.”
“I’m gonna get out of my miserable relationship.”
“I’m gonna start going to the gym.”

And on and on and on. They’re always “gonna do” something, but they never actually DO anything. I can proudly and honestly say that I am no longer one of those people. I’ve learned a lot in the past year. I’ve become a stronger person, a person who knows what they want, knows what they need to do to get it, and then goes and gets it. Or at least tries her hardest to get it, because not everything works out and sometimes when you think you want something once you get close to having it you realize you don’t want it anymore. Such is life.

So how could I possibly disagree with my mother’s observation that I’ve matured, given that my life has so blatantly and immensely changed in the last year? I don’t know. I’m not sure I can equate maturity with perseverance, which is what I guess I’d like to call my new “attitude” on life. An immature person can still persevere, right? I’m pretty sure.

Maybe she should have clarified a bit more – like maybe I’m ACTING more mature even though I still do a lot of stupid shit. Or maybe she felt for a brief second like she did a decent job raising me if I can make it through what I’ve been through and completely change my life for the better. Because I still do lots of immature things, like kick ass at video games and laugh when people walk into things and play drinking games and watch too much tv and dance around in my kitchen belting NKOTB tunes at the top of my lungs. But I know that at this point in life it’s probably best to do those things in the privacy of your own home or only in front of close friends or family, because, well…because mature people don’t act like that in public.

Thanks Mom.

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MSA #1

MSA #1 —>  What the hell is an MSA!?!?

It’s like a Public Service Announcement, but it’s a Mamba Service Announcement.  Slight difference but same concept.  Meant to get us all on the same page.  Make sure everything is clear.

There are a lot of things I will discuss on this blog.  Some might be real some migbt be completely made up.  The point is for you not to be able to tell which one is true or not.  Kinda the point.

I will not censor this blog for the sake of others – IT’S MY BLOG.  GET YOUR OWN, OR DON’T READ IT, OR WHATEVER.  This is mine.  MINE!

So…..stop, if you’re doing this….stop thinking I’m blogging about you.  I’m not.  I promise.  I’m just livin’ my life.  Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey….!

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On Moving Out and Moving On

Dear Mamba,

I know you like to think the best of people. I know you like to give people the benefit of the doubt that when they say they are going to do something, they will actually do it. Sometimes I think it’s sweet that you have such a naive view of people and never want to think they will do you wrong, even if they may have done you wrong in the past. Many times. When they apologize and say they won’t do it again and that they’ll show you they really aren’t the bad person you think they are, I know it tears at your heart strings. And so you forgive them, once again, and you believe them, once again, all the while knowing in your gut that there is an enormous possibility that you will, once again, be disappointed in them and their actions. I also know that the one thing you hate the most in life is to be disappointed. So I ask you, why is it that you continually put yourself in the position of being disappointed? Why is it that you continue to believe the lies promises as if they will somehow magically mean something now even though they have not meant anything in the past? Do you think the truth fairy waved a wand and sprinkled some dust and made it all better? You know that’s not how it works.

Normally I stand by and watch you as you do this to yourself over and over again, hoping that one of these times you will learn your lesson. I can’t stay quiet anymore, though, because you just don’t seem to be getting it. So I’m begging you. Tomorrow when you do what you need to do, please go in there expecting to be disappointed. Just go there hoping for the worst. Be one with the disenchantment. Expect the expected and not the unexpected. Don’t let what you find bother you. Just keep your head held high, get in there, do your thing, and get out. Keep your eyes open; do not let your attention get diverted away from the task at hand. Do not let any of this plague you anymore. Do not let him upset you any longer because you know that the only thing he’s offered you is a charade, and charades are not real. Don’t let yourself feel sad anymore. Move on, and move on strong. Don’t look back. Don’t cry. I promise that there is a world free from disappointment waiting for you on the other side of this mountain; you just need to get over the summit.  I’ll be there with you the whole way, just like always.

Love, Mamba

“Disappointments are to the soul what the thunder-storm is to the air.” ~Friedrich von Schiller

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This Post is Depressing.

Some people say that life will only hand you what you are capable of dealing with at any given moment in time.  While this may be comforting to some people, I think it’s a crock of shit.  I’ve got so much going on in my life right now and it is so overwhelming and sad and scary and well I don’t know which way is up anymore and have no idea where to even begin to sift through all the bullshit to try to see the light.  I certainly don’t feel fucking capable of dealing with any of it. I’m wondering if maybe you don’t realize that you are capable until you prove to yourself that you are?  Like do you feel capable after everything has been dealt with and you look back on it and say to yourself something like “That wasn’t so bad” or “I should have known I could handle that”? I just wish I had a crystal ball or something that would make me feel more confident that everything really will be alright or that it will all work out in the end.  I always like to say to myself that everything happens for a reason and things always work out the way they are supposed to, but right now I’m having a tough time listening to myself and heeding my own advice.  

I feel very much at the bottom of the circle right now.  I look at life like one big circle, in constant motion – sometimes you are at the top, sometimes at the bottom, and everywhere in between.  No matter what your position will change at some point, as things are always evolving and moving, but it’s hard to feel stuck down there at the bottom of the circle with not enough momentum to pull yourself up towards the top again.  I know that it’s all temporary and that whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether I stress about it or not.  I just wish I could shake this anxious feeling.  I’m not good with waiting, or not knowing, or life out of balance.  I don’t know what’s coming next for me and I guess instead of dwelling on what I don’t know or what is out of my control I should just stay positive and excited about the future.

PS – Sorry for the bummer of a post, but please bare with me while I sift through all of this nonsense in my head.  It makes me feel somewhat better after spewing it onto the internets for all 1.5 of you to read.

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Always The Easy Way Out

First-year Rutgers University students were not allowed to have a car on campus. Even second-year students had to buy a permit to park their cars on another campus, and then they had to take a bus back to their dorms.  However, with some finesse and possibly a decent bribe, my dad was able to score me an authentic “Staff Permit” so I, as a first-year student, could park my 1987 Nissan Sentra in the lot adjacent to my freshman dorm.  Obviously this made me pretty popular as I could cart us all to the mall, or Taco Bell, or home for Sunday breakfasts – wherever we felt like going.  There was never a problem going anywhere, because my car was parked right downstairs.

The only issue that ever arose was when we would return from our excursions after the housing offices had closed for the evening and they chained the entrance into said parking lot.  This happened on more than one occasion.  With this dilemma at hand, I had one of two choices.  I could either A) drive to another campus, park there, and take a bus back to my dorm or B) say fuck it, drive up the curb, up the lawn, over the bushes that outlined the parking lot, park and walk right upstairs.  

Let’s just say I never parked on a different campus and took a bus back.

As insignificant as this story may seem, it is illustrative my decision-making life in general. I constantly take the easy way out. I am an immediate gratification kind of girl. I have no patience for waiting or inconvenience. I make decisions based on which one is going to bring me the most pleasure the fastest. I know that sometimes the decisions I make may not be the right ones or the smartest ones, but they are always the easiest and the ones met with the least resistance. I’ve been trying to learn to make decisions based on what’s going to be best for me over the longer term, but even deciding to make those decisions is difficult because I know they won’t be easy either.  It’s just hard for me to decide to do something that might bring me happiness or satisfaction sometime in the future, because what if I get hit by a bus or some shit like that?  I’ve always preferred to live in the now and enjoy it to the fullest. I guess that living life to the fullest doesn’t necessarily mean making rash decisions all of the time, but like I said – instant gratification.  Which sometimes, maybe most times, means rash decisions.  And with rash decisions, come consequences. 

Karma caught up with me that freshman year about halfway through, when my roommate woke me in the morning with the most curious look on her face.  She asked me “Where did you park your car?” and I said “Where I always park it silly.” By the look on her face I could tell that my car was not in it’s comfortable spot downstairs.  I looked out the window to find a bulldozer digging up the concrete and no cars at all in the parking lot.  It just so happened that they towed my cute little car and wrote me a decent amount of parking tickets.  And someone stole my precious parking pass.  After that my car sat in the driveway of my house until my second year when I could purchase a permit to park on that other campus and take the damn bus back.  

At least I’m aware of this aspect of my personality, because now I know that sometimes I’d rather put off the instant gratification to avoid the consequences of those decisions.  It may not always be the easy way, but hopefully in the long run it will be the best way. If, of course, I don’t get hit by a bus.  Or some shit.

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