Saturn Has Returned With A Can Of Whoop-Ass

NERD ALERT!

I’m totally about to drop some astrology knowledge on your asses.  I’m no fortune teller, nor am I a tarot card or palm reader or any of that shit.  I’m not trying to get you to join any cult or anything.  My ears perked up though when I overheard someone discussing their “Saturn Return” and I can honestly say I related to the conversation.  I googled a bunch of keywords did some research, and the only reason I am sharing is because I am so there right now, and I’m hoping I’m not alone.  So why not ask the internets? They’ll be honest, right?

I feel it necessary to point out that I am a Libra.  Libras are also known as the Scales of Balance, basically meaning that we fucking hate it when there is conflict and imbalance in our lives.  Our sign is also the only inaminate object of the Zodiac signs, meaning we are neither human nor animal, but dammit! things need to be in order.  Anywho….

Apparently somewhere around every 29.5 years the planet Saturn orbits the sun, returning to the same place in the galaxy as when you were born.  This happens between the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and 86-88. Did I tell you all I just turned 30?  Yea.  The “return of Saturn,” as it is called, brings with it an awful mix of challenge, significance, fear, reflection, doubt, prestige, hard lessons, order, confusion, and accomplishment.  I mean, seriously?  This is a Libra’s nightmare. This is my nightmare, and it’s happening.  

Saturn comes to tell you whether or not you’re on the right path in life.  If you’re not, Saturn will nag you until you realize you need to change it up.  If you are, Saturn will encourage you to stay on the same path.  

Need some proof?

Vincent Van Gogh, at age 30, decided to become a painter instead of a minister. Bill Rodgers marked the first of three consecutive Boston Marathon wins, and made the 1976 Olympic running team, all during the course of his Saturn Return.

The U.S. Census Bureau names its peak divorce years at 28-30.  You all belong to Facebook, I’m sure most of your childhood friends (and probably you!) are married, having babies, buying houses, the whole nine. (Just want to say – Love you!  Better you than me!)  Some might be ending those commitments.  Some might just be questioning them.  So goes the Saturn Return. 

One of my all-time faves, No Doubt, released an album entitled “Return of Saturn” around the same time Ms. Gwen Stefani turned 29.  The song “New” in my opinion is in direct relation to her return of Saturn, as can be found in the lyrics.  Need to read them?  Here.

Another total girl crush of mine, Drew Barrymore, attributes her return of Saturn to the changes in her life on her infamous appearance on David Letterman.  Yes, that episode.  Where she flashed her tits.  Don’t remember?  Let me refresh:

Ummm, can anyone say “parallel?”

So this is where I’m at.  A total crossroads.  Life (and Saturn) has decided to give me the ultimate mid-term exam.  Where am I now?  Where do I want to go?  Am I on the path I’m supposed to be?  

What the hell kinds of questions are these and who has the damn answers??  I’ve never passed a test without taking a look at the answer code!  It’s not fair!  I hate school!

I guess that’s the whole point.  Grow the fuck up kid and take a long hard look at where you’re at.  Where do you want to go?  Who do you want to end up being?  Saturn is here to kick your ass into high gear, to show you what you’re made of and show you how to get it.  If you listen, awesome.  If not, you’ll have another chance in about 29.5 years.  But that’s a lot of time to waste.  

Just sayin.