Tag Archive for 'drink'

All Growns Up

A few weeks ago, I called my mom because I was sick. I knew that she wouldn’t be able to do anything for me, but I called her anyway. It was early in the morning and I was getting ready to go to the doctor, but I stopped to call her and complain about being sick. For some reason I thought it would make me feel better, like through the phone lines Mom would wrap a warm blanket around me, turn on Fraggle Rock, and hand me a bowl of homemade chicken soup. A major stretch, I know, and physically impossible, but I did it anyway. So shoot me.

I called her again when I left the doctor, told her what he had said, that yes I had strep throat but no they didn’t actually test for it, yes he gave me a prescription which yes I am currently standing in the pharmacy waiting to get filled. Yes I got lozenges and yes I plan on laying on the couch all day drinking lots of fluids, getting lots of rest, and gargling warm salt water frequently. Yes Mom, yes. Yes you have taught me well how to nurse an illness and you’re right, this is not the first time I’ve been sick. Phew.

About an hour later my phone rang, and it was my mother calling me this time. I answered the phone reluctantly, since I was tired and medicinally inebriated and wasn’t up for another round of “Make Sure You (blank).”

Me: “H-Hello?”
Mom: “Hi, I don’t want to bother you. I just wanted to tell you that you have really matured in the past year or so. Really. You know what you need to do and you just do it. I just wanted to tell you that I noticed that.”
Me: “Uh, um….thanks?”
Mom: “No problem. Feel better I will check on you later.”

It’s not the fact that my mother gave me what can actually be called a compliment, something that does not happen often and when it does it’s always laden with sarcasm and pessimism. It’s the fact that I wasn’t sure whether or not I agreed with her. I mean, did I not call her just three hours earlier whining like a 4-year-old that my throat hurt and I had the chills?

I used to be like a lot of people I know, and probably you know too. The “Gonna Do’s” as I like to call them. You’ve heard them:

“I’m gonna go back and get my degree.”
“I’m gonna change my career.”
“I’m gonna get out of my miserable relationship.”
“I’m gonna start going to the gym.”

And on and on and on. They’re always “gonna do” something, but they never actually DO anything. I can proudly and honestly say that I am no longer one of those people. I’ve learned a lot in the past year. I’ve become a stronger person, a person who knows what they want, knows what they need to do to get it, and then goes and gets it. Or at least tries her hardest to get it, because not everything works out and sometimes when you think you want something once you get close to having it you realize you don’t want it anymore. Such is life.

So how could I possibly disagree with my mother’s observation that I’ve matured, given that my life has so blatantly and immensely changed in the last year? I don’t know. I’m not sure I can equate maturity with perseverance, which is what I guess I’d like to call my new “attitude” on life. An immature person can still persevere, right? I’m pretty sure.

Maybe she should have clarified a bit more – like maybe I’m ACTING more mature even though I still do a lot of stupid shit. Or maybe she felt for a brief second like she did a decent job raising me if I can make it through what I’ve been through and completely change my life for the better. Because I still do lots of immature things, like kick ass at video games and laugh when people walk into things and play drinking games and watch too much tv and dance around in my kitchen belting NKOTB tunes at the top of my lungs. But I know that at this point in life it’s probably best to do those things in the privacy of your own home or only in front of close friends or family, because, well…because mature people don’t act like that in public.

Thanks Mom.

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Chocolate Cake Faceplant

I was recently in Rhode Island for a friend’s wedding.  Having never been to Rhode Island before, I was amazed at how beautiful it was.  So beautiful, in fact, that I ended up extending my weekend by an extra two days just to soak up as much of it as possible.  It was a fantastic weekend, filled with great times and great laughs.

One of the first laughs of the weekend (and possibly by far the best laugh) came on Friday night at the rehearsal dinner.  The restaurant where the dinner took place was situated right on the water where hundreds of sailboats were docked.  It was a very large restaurant, with an upstairs deck and a downstairs seating area.  Behind the seating area downstairs were picnic tables, firepits, and even a stage.  After a round of drinks or two, a bunch of my friends and I took a walk downstairs to check out the scenery.  We were down there about 10 minutes when we were told to take our seats upstairs as dinner was about to be served.

As we walked toward the wooden staircase, we noticed about 15 restaurant staff members lined up to go upstairs.  They started clapping loudly, and it was obvious that they were heading upstairs to embarrass some poor soul by surrounding their table clapping as loud as possible and singing some dorky ass version of “Happy Birthday.”  (If you can’t tell by my tone, I HATE when this happens in restaurants.  Especially to me.)  As the staff members began to make their way up the stairs, the girl in the front of the line totally tripped up the stairs and disappeared amongst the sea of black shirts behind her.  Everyone started laughing since, come on, it’s pretty fucking funny when someone falls.  What my friends and I didn’t see at first however, until the poor girl stood up and turned around, was that she had been carrying a large chocolate cake up those stairs, and when she fell, she fell FACE FIRST into the chocolate cake.  She had chocolate icing all over her face and down her shirt.  Her coworkers erupted in even louder hysterics and everyone within earshot turned around to see Chocolate Face.  It was hysterical.  I’m not sure if it’s one of those “had to be there moments” – maybe it is, but for shit’s sake I know that I was sitting in a restaurant and noticed that the fucking waiters were coming over to sing me Happy Birthday so everyone else can hear, it would make my fucking day to see one of them bite it and faceplant into what was supposed to be my dessert.  Awesome.

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Movie Snacks Can Cause Breakups

A bunch of few years back, I was reeling from one of the worst heartbreaks ever and those closest to me were all trying to “help” by convincing me to jump right back into the dating pool.  One girlfriend made me sign up for the free 30-day Match.com trial, which resulted in two weeks full of first dates that felt more like a job than anything and made me busier than I had ever been in my life.  Another girlfriend hooked me up with one of her husband’s closest friends which did nothing but deflate my ego because he was just not that into me.  Yet another (male) friend offered to provide me with whatever “physical” needs I may have until I found another lover, since in his opinion it was best to keep the wheels oiled if you know what I mean.

Then there was my mother.

I must say that my mother had never attempted to meddle into my love life before this.  She kept a safe distance, only trying to keep up with whatever relationship trials and tribulations were going on at the time.  Yet this time she decided to take matters into her own hands.  She had become a regular at a local gym that was also frequented by a certain ridiculously famous rock star.  She had noticed that there was a strapping young man that always accompanied Mr. Famous Rock Star to the gym, and thought that this young man would be perfect for me.  She chatted him up, turned on that charm that she only usually uses when company is around, and proceeded to get him to agree to meet her wonderful daughter at a local watering hole that evening.  Alright, maybe it wasn’t that evening, it may have taken a few days to get him to agree to meet a total stranger’s totally strange daughter, but whatever you get my point.

After she informed me that I suddenly had plans, I desperately tried to recruit one of my girls as a wingman, for I had never gone on any blind date before, let alone one my mother had set up for me.  I didn’t have any luck with securing a wingman, and after debating whether or not to even show up I said what the hell.  Nothing could be worse than a couple of the recent Match.com dates that I had been on.  When I walked into the bar, I circled around trying not to make it obvious that I was looking for someone, but after three circles I felt stupid and found a seat so I could order a drink.  I definitely needed some liquid courage.  After about ten minutes I felt a tap on the shoulder and I turned around to see one of the most handsome men I had ever seen up close.  He introduced himself as, um, let’s call him Iceman, and asked me if I was called Mamba.  I was smitten from the start.

One thing led to another that night (no, not like that you perverts) and we had a wonderful time.  He had been more successful at bringing some wingmen with him, but after a while he dismissed them and gave me his full attention.  By the end of the night we had decided to see each other again and made plans.  We went out again, and made even more plans.  We ended up seeing each other a lot over the next few weeks, and I remember I even watched the final episode of Friends from the comfort of his living room couch.  Of course my mother couldn’t get enough of the juicy details, but I played it cool.

Not long after that he suggested we go to the movies together, something we had yet to do since we met.  I should have known when the movie he “really wanted to see” was Van Helsing.  Wha da fa?  Anyhow, we all do crazy things when there’s good action in the bedroom, and I went along with it.  We had arrived at the movie theater a little late (see bedroom, above) and I said I would get the tickets if he would grab the snacks.  When we met up to head into the theater, I saw that he had bought a child’s size portion of popcorn and the smallest bottle of water EVER INVENTED.  OK, I thought to myself, this guy’s all into being healthy and god knows my ass doesn’t need a bucket of movie popcorn and a 64-ounce soda.  We sat down and of course the previews had already started (one of my biggest pet peeves – I love movie trailers).  Well.  This guy proceeds to start stuffing fistfuls of popcorn in his mouth, and after 4-5 times I notice that he’s got the popcorn in his left hand (the opposite side from where I am sitting) and he’s chugging bottled water like a camel.  The movie is about to begin and he hands me the almost-empty-except-for-unpopped-kernels bag of popcorn and the bottle of water that had maybe a sip left in it but you could see some popcorn-infused backwash floating around in and asks if I want some.  Gross!  And after all of that THEN I had to sit through Van Fucking Helsing.  I know it’s Hugh Jackman and all but still, that shit was horrendous.

Needless to say there was no way I could continue on with Iceman, no matter how cute he may have been or how decent he was in the bedroom.  He was selfish.  And that’s just not how I roll.  When I told my mother the story the next day, she laughed hysterically.  When I told her what movie we had gone to see, she laughed even harder.  Of course I didn’t tell her about any of the bedroom antics, otherwise she might have tried to convince me to get over it.  I don’t know what made me rehash this whole thing, but the moral of the story has to be:

Buy your own damn movie snacks, and don’t ever see Van Helsing.

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Music Byte: Zee Avi

I’m always intrigued by Rolling Stone’s “Artists to Watch,” so when I saw Zee in the latest issue (yes, the issue that looks like this):

Goddip Girl

Gossip Girl

I had to take a look. The cutie emerged from YouTube fame, and hails from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Rolling Stone calls her music “brunch friendly acoustic swing” which is pretty spot on if you listen to it and imagine yourself sitting outside on a sunny Sunday afternoon drinking bloody marys and having eggs florentine. I’m becoming somewhat addicted to her voice. Usually this is where I start to tell you cute little quirky things about the artist I’m writing about, but she was smart enough to do that herself so I figured there’s really no better way I could introduce her to you. Here she is:

Isn’t she super cute? Her self-titled debut album is being released on Brushfire Records, but unfortunately not until May 19th. HOWEVER, you can get more acquainted with her by checking out her YouTube channel here. OR you can listen become her friend and listen to the first single titled “Bitter Heart” here. If you like it enough you can even by it on iTunes here. Already a fan? Check her out on FaceBook here. Her official website is here.

I know you got a little taste of her sound in the above clip, but the following is one of the songs that originally got me sucked in. It’s taken of a live performance, but her voice still sounds great and the song is just well, fitting. Enjoy!

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Advice: Don’t Try This At Home

DISCLAIMER: Some of you may not want to read the following if you don’t want to know details about my “private lady parts” i.e. anyone who knows me in real life that won’t be able to look at me the same after reading about them.  Enter at your own risk because you have been warned.

Seriously.  There are just some things you should shell the money out for and have a professional take care of.  I had excellent professionals to take care of this for me when I was living in Brooklyn, but now that I’m back in NJ (and unemployed) I just haven’t been able to find a decent place to go around here that doesn’t cost me an entire unemployment check.

What am I talking about?  The dreaded Brazilian Bikini Wax.

A friend of mine once told me that she took care of this grooming on her own, in the privacy of her living room.  At first I didn’t believe her only because I couldn’t believe someone could inflict that kind of pain on themselves.  She showed me the product she used and almost convinced me it was “not that bad.”  Still, once I walked away from her I was all “Pfft, as IF I could be that masochistic!  That’s crazy! I’ll stick with Magda (my usual yanker).”

Well, as I was saying before, a location change and financial crisis has caused me to sacrifice many things, this luxury being one of the first to go.  I can deal with this growing issue (HA! Get it?) for only so long before it literally starts driving me crazy. And it was.  When I would talk to my girlfriends about it, mostly hoping they would recommend a good salon nearby, they would always say, “Just shave!”  Well, it’s not the same, okay?  It’s just not.  At least not in my opinion.  So I let it go.  And go, and go, and well let’s just say it had gotten to the point where I would have fit right into any 1974 porno flick.  UGH.  Something had to be done.  I remembered the conversation about the DIY Brazilian and figured, “Shit, what’s the worst that could happen?”

So I buy the stuff and get home and take a Xanax and drink two huge glasses of wine and decide it’s time to go for it.  I read the instructions, heat up the wax, apply, bite down on a towel, and RIPPP!!!

Hey, that wasn’t so bad!  Ok, again.  And again.  And after 4 or 5 times of this I’m thinking, SWEET! I’m in the clear, this is CAKE!  Oh boy how wrong I was about to be!

This shit gets fucking tricky!  Once you’re past the point of no return, meaning one side is done and the other side hasn’t been touched, this wax decides it’s time to become all stringy and cold and it’s going to make you heat it up every 5 seconds and by the time you heat it up and get back to the bathroom to continue it needs to be heated up again.  And then you start trying to contort your body in all kinds of ways you didn’t think you could even contort just to try to see what’s going on down there but you still can’t see and so you try to just go for it blind and well LET’S JUST SAY THAT TRYING TO BLINDLY APPLY HOT WAX TO YOUR NETHER REGIONS IS NOT NECESSARILY THE BEST IDEA.

Two hours later, I’m sweating, the Xanax I took is wearing off, and the endorphin rush I’m getting from doing this myself is so intense I feel like I could run a fucking marathon.  Not to mention my neck and my back have been hunched over for the past two hours and I need to just chill the fuck out. I’m about 80% done, and of course the remaining 20% is literally the most painful parts to wax. (Ladies you know what I’m talking about.)  It’s time for me to take a breather and get some sleep.  I’ll finish in the morning. Hopefully.

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A Gift From Up Above

The day after I wrote the last post I got laid off.  I have joined the ranks of the (many) unemployed. I know it’s fucked up to say at a time like this when people are scared shitless to lose their jobs, but I am glad I got the boot. I was extremely unhappy in my job, I just moved home and added a two hour commute each way to my day, I needed a change and I guess the universe decided to give me one. Based on that last post I have some serious soul searching to do, and holy shit do I now have more than enough time to do it.

So why have I not posted anything in the last oh, almost 30 days?  Simple. Vacationing.  You know what I’m talkin’ bout people, YEAH!!   Par-TAY!!!

Now it’s time to get serious.  I’ve been given an opportunity to reinvent myself and do whatever it is my heart desires with this beautiful life.  I just have to figure out what the hell that is!  Is it bad that I don’t know?  Does anyone really ever know? And if they do, how did they figure it out?  I don’t really have the luxury of trying a bunch of different careers to see what fits.  How do you realize your passion?  And once you do, how do you turn your passion into something that makes you cash? These are the big questions everyone asks themselves I guess.

My point is, I need to take this time to find something I like to do and can make my career.  I am certainly not going to get myself back into a job where I wake up every weekday and drink coffee out of this:

I Wish I Were Dead

Because that’s how I felt sitting in my old cubicle.  No thanks!

Anyhoo, just want to update you as to what’s been going on.  We’ll be back to regularly scheduled broadcasting in no time.

Cheers!

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Runnin’ Against The Wind

Each year, the NYC marathon runs right past my apartment.  It’s very exciting, not only because the streets are filled with a more diverse crowd of onlookers, but also because it’s Sunday and it’s November and that means there is another sport to get excited about besides football.  I’ll get up early, get some coffee, and stand on the sidelines watching people run 26.2 miles while I nurse my hangover and take pictures of their agony accomplishments.  My apartment is around the 12 mile marker, so it was pretty early when the frontrunners came by.  I watch them on televeision until I see them about 5 blocks away, then I dash downstairs hoping I’m faster than them in order to snap a picture.  

Last year, I was not.  I didn’t make it in time so I snapped a shot from the bedroom window:

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That’s Paula Radcliffe in the front, with the white gloves.  She ended up winning the marathon last year.  

I almost missed them again this year, but was happy to snap Mrs. Radcliffe at the same moment a year later:

(That’s her in front, again, with the white gloves.)

She ran the last half of the marathon like a machine, pulling far enough ahead of this group to have no threat whatsoever to the victory.  I felt excited to have shared such a miniscule moment in time with her, and felt proud to be able to witness it live.

The guys came a little while after the ladies, so I was able to get a more decent shot of them:

The frontrunner here is from the U S and A, but if you look at the guy in the back of the pack in the yellow jersey?  He wins.  Pretty awesome, right?

They are running so much faster than you could ever imagine if you are watching the race on television.  It’s almost like there is a blur behind them they are gone so quickly.

As exciting as it is to watch the fastest runners pass by, it really gets exciting when the rest of the crew catches up.   39,000 runners pass my house during the course of about 3 hours, and the cheers and applause and excitement is enough to make anybody crazy inspire anyone. Seriously.  

Congratulations to all of you that may have run in this race, or knew anyone who ran in this race.  It is truly a feat and the ultimate test of endurance, and I applaud anyone who can achieve a goal that large.

I feel disappointed in myself.  Not because I feel like I need to get in shape and train for a marathon, but because I didn’t have the patience to play paparazzi and sit outside scoping out Ryan Reynolds

To celebrate them, I’m going to drink a lot of beer, eat until I burst, and watch some football.  After all, that’s what Sundays are made for, right?

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Music Byte: Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head

Yep, you read that right, folks.  That is the actual name of an actual group.  Not only do they have a quirky name but they also have a really cool, quirky sound.  You may remember way back when I told you I had the pleasure of seeing these guys perform at Sikamor Rooney’s record release party.  And while it may have been a night intended for Sikamor Rooney, it was clear that these guys stole the show.

I have to admit that when the five of them took the stage I was a bit skeptical, but it could have been because I was practically blinded by the amount of neon clothing I saw them all wearing.  They hail from Seattle, and even though they claimed it was their first time ever in NYC, I could’ve sworn that they walked right off Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg.  As soon as they started playing, the crowd went wild and it was nearly impossible for me to stand still.  I was overwhelmed with the need to dance my ass off, and jump up and down screaming for a band I’d heard about forty seconds of.  As I looked around me I noticed that I wasn’t the only one; everyone was into it.  I remember feeling relieved that there were a lot of other people making total fools of themselves.  It was FUN.  

Here’s one of my favorite songs of the night, “Sophisticated Side Ponytail.”  I feel the need to point out that the girl, Clare England, is not the lead singer of the group.  But her emergence from behind the synth bass was super refreshing and a healthy dose of comic relief:

I agree with the Village Voice that there really is only so much of these guys you can take, as I learned the hard way by listening to the entire album on repeat for three days after seeing them.  However, I think they’d be good to have in your pocket in case you ever need to liven up a boring party or you want to dance around your apartment should you be so inspired.  Of course, if you have the opportunity to see them perform live you will not be disappointed.  

Their debut full-length is titled “Glistening Pleasure“.  They say it’s “because it glistens and is very pleasurable,” but I like it because it reminds me of an old friend of mine who always pronounced words that started with “l” like “gl.”  It makes the play on words that much funnier to me.

To become friends with Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head you can go to Facebook or MySpace.  To read their blog, go here.  If you want a little background on them you can go here.  Unfortunately they don’t divulge how they came up with that awesome name, so if anyone has any theories or insight, please post them in the comments.

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